The Beginners Playbook to Kinky Sex

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Sex Tips

Whether you’re interested in getting kinky, wanting to turn things up a notch, or simply try something new – you’re not alone. In fact, nearly one in four Americans either consider themselves interested or are already participating in kink, but never actually voice it due to fear of judgment. 

From depictions in pornography to mainstream erotica, many of us have been exposed to at least a glimpse of what kinky sex entails. But outside the stereotypical confines of whips, bondage, and BDSM, what exactly defines kinky sex? And most importantly, how should you approach kink for the first time?

If you’ve thought about exploring your kinky side, we’ve tapped multiple kink experts to compile the ultimate guide to what kinky sex is, the health benefits, and rules to follow to ensure a safe and positive experience for all. And on that note, this might be one to share with your partner, too!

 

kinky sex while blindfolded

What is Kinky Sex?

The definition of kink can be considered two-fold as it ultimately varies from person to person. Our Resident Sex Researcher, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, defines the term kink as “a very broad concept that encompasses pretty much any form of sexual expression that falls outside of the mainstream. This can include the eroticization of intense sensations (such as mixing pleasure and pain), playing with power differentials, deriving pleasure from inanimate objects, role-playing, and more.”

Simply put, rather than viewing kinky sex as unconventional, kink is very much so an umbrella term for a vast range of sexual interests, preferences, and identities. 

Kayla Lords, Sex Expert for Jack and Jill Adult, expands on this in defining kink as anything outside of the mainstream definition of “typical” sex. “Because it’s such a broad term, it means different things to different people. For some, anal sex is “kinky,” while for others, kinks refer to specific acts that fall under the umbrella of BDSM. Since mainstream culture thinks of “typical” sex as penetration, oral, and masturbation, kink often gets labeled as “everything else” which is a misnomer since there are plenty of kinky activities that fall within penetrative sex, oral sex, and masturbation,” said Lords. 

While kink is often associated with many sexual scenarios, there are a few general acts that fall under the category of kink. To provide a few examples, Lucy Jones, Ph. D + Relationship Counselor at ToyBoyWarehouse, shares the following breakdown:

  • Exhibitionism: The act of watching or being watched during sexual acts – with or without knowledge. This can include sex outdoors, sharing personal sexual content, and masturbation. These all are common kinks under this category.
  • BDSM: Which stands for Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism is another broad term covering acts intended to dominate, cause consensual pain, submiss, etc. From furry handcuffs to complicated BDSM body rigs, the range of excessiveness varies wildly. 
  • Multiple Sexual Partners: Another commonly considered kink is sex with more than one partner, from your standard threesome to all-out orgy sex parties.
  • Fetish: A fetish is a sexual preference for individuals or objects that are usually considered either unsexual or uncommon for the individual experiencing those preferences. For groups of people, a fetish can range from the somewhat kinky, such as nurses or teachers, to the extreme. For objects and body parts, again this can be somewhat risqué, such as people’s feet or leather materials to the outright unusual.

bondage during sex

 

The Benefits of Kinky Sex

For anyone looking to spice up their sex life with or without a partner, exploring the world of kink has plenty of options. And on top of that, there are a variety of health benefits too!  

While the term ‘kink’ was historically used in the time of Freud to describe any sexual activity that veers away from the norm, today, our society has become much more accepting – with researchers now starting to examine the benefits.  

According to Daniel Sher, clinical psychologist and Sex Therapy Expert at Between Us premature ejaculation clinic, a recent study concluded that “kink should be considered a leisure activity, rather than a problem. Researchers found that people who practice kink tend to be less neurotic, more conscientious, and happier on the whole. More generally, people who engage in kink often describe it as an important and empowering aspect of their identity. It also helps with boundary setting and sharpening communication skills with your partner,” says Sher.  

To expand on this, Lehmiller adds that, “whether viewed as a leisure activity or intrinsic aspect of one’s sexuality, it could be argued that kink is a form of serious leisure, one that requires a lot of time, necessitates a certain level of expertise and that may even affect self-identification. Research has found that kink/BDSM often fits this bill and that it overlaps with a lot of the characteristics of the concept of leisure more generally.” 

Engaging in kink and other forms of BDSM play can also have a positive effect on the brain. “People who practice BDSM and kink test better in many psychological ways than the general, non-kinky public,” explains Heather M. Claus, Sex Expert and Founder of DatingKinky.com. “Kinky people are more likely to be secure in their relationships and feel a sense of well-being and confidence. They are more conscientious towards others, more engaged, and more open to trying new experiences. They also are less anxious and stressed, as well as less sensitive to other’s negative perceptions,” adds Claus.  

To add to the list, Sandra Larson, nurse + relationship expert + co-founder of My Sex Toy Guide, expands on a few additional health benefits from engaging in kinky sex that are hard to pass up, including:

  • Improved Mental Health: A 2013 study found kink/BDSM participants to be more extroverted, less reactionary to rejection, and mentally stronger. Kinky sex promotes the desire for adventure, exploration, and new adventures. Gradually, it makes individuals’ stubborn’ and committed to their way of doing things over alternatives.
  • Feel-Good Hormones Spike: Engaging in kink/BDSM calls for an honest and straightforward conversation before and during sex. Partners are able to open up about their fears, sweet spots, and likes, unlike with “vanilla” sex. The introduction of safe words and other rules promotes better communication, leading to a spike in serotonin (and other feel-good hormones) production. 
  • Stress Reduction: A recent study found that partners who engaged in BDSM activities had significantly lower cortisol levels in their bodies. Cortisol, a major stress hormone, is associated with important body processes like blood sugar regulation and inflammation control. For this reason, kink/BDSM participants are less susceptible to health risks like heart diseases and high blood pressure.

couple preparing for kinky sex

The Golden Rules for Kink

While kinky sex might have plenty of benefits, there are a few essential things to keep in mind to make it a safe and positive experience. If you’re interested in trying something kinky or new for the first time, it’s always important to ensure that your partner is on the same page. According to Sher, “the golden rule for kink, sex, and life, in general, is to participate only to the extent that you have active consent from your partner. Additionally, try to communicate openly before and after about your experience and expectations, so that you and your partner can deepen your intimacy and help one another become better kinky lovers,” he adds.  

Communication & Consent

The most critical aspect when participating in any type of kinky play begins with consent. To expand on this, Lords says, “talking through expectations, wants, needs, likes, and dislikes before any kink activity occurs is absolutely essential. It’s also important to check in with each other during the activity to make sure both partners want it to continue.”

At the same time, it’s also important to remember that kinky sex is ultimately subjective to one’s sexual preferences and comfort level. For that reason, Jones emphasizes that “boundary planning and communication are essential before any and all kinky sex play. For example, if you and your partner are interested in experiencing kink/BDSM, it’s important to identify what you both believe that means. Keep in mind what specific acts you are interested in and if your partner is comfortable with trying them,” Jones adds. 

 

kinky sex and consent

Safe Words

Safe words are considereh safe words together. Pick easy words that you can both understand,” says Larson. 

While safe words are a tried and tested favorite according to Jones, so is the use of the traffic light system. “This is where you or your partner can say ‘green’ – for everything’s fine, feel free to escalate, ‘yellow’ – things are not too intense, but they are close to the limit and ‘red’ – that you should immediately pull back as things are too intense,” says Jones. Most importantly, you want to ensure that you and your partner are comfortable at every point of escalation. 

 

kinky sex toys

Kinky Sex Ideas for Beginners

Whether you are a beginner looking to experiment in the world of kink or looking for ways to explore your kinky side, we’ve got you covered. Kayla Broek, Sex and Relationship Coach, suggests the following kinky sex acts to get you started: 

  • Toys: Cock rings, dildos, and bullet vibrators are nice choices for beginners. These sex toys are relatively inexpensive, and they’re more accessible than ever. 
  • Tie Your Partner Up: Submissive lovers might like the vulnerability of being tied up, while dominant lovers enjoy being able to ravage a defenseless partner. 
  • Blindfold: When you lose your eyesight, other senses are heightened. This includes touch – and that’s why blindfolds are popular in the bedroom. Again, this creates tension and vulnerability that both submissive and dominants may love. 
  • Spanking: A lot of submissive partners find pain to be pleasurable during sex. Test to see if your partner is one of them by spanking them. If they like it, you can bet they’d enjoy having their hair pulled, or nails dug into their back too.
  • Anal sex: Many like the different sensation that comes from anal stimulation. Remember to use a condom, lube up, and start slowly.

Now that you’ve got all the insight you need to bring some kink into the bedroom, it’s time to go forth and explore!

 

costumes for kinky sex

Sources:

Dr. Justin Lehmiller

Kayla Lords

Lucy Jones 

Daniel Sher

Heather M. Claus

Sandra Larson

Kayla Broek  

 

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